how to navigate polyamory as a non primary partner

Reality check: Since you care for both/all of your partners, and they for you, then they probably have more in common than just you! Insecurities turn into fears and we lose touch with whats important. Give them room to sort things out on their own and build mutual trust through experience. ), most people attempt to live that script first. There is an emotional component to poly relationships. RA is a life philosophy that promotes the idea of no assumed hierarchy among not just your lovers, but also your friends and other people who are important to you, Yau says. And hey, if you are poly and you know it? Then you may have a second partner who you see less often. "Jealousy happens. "It doesnt mean you have to treat everyone equally, but rather, each relationship is allowed to grow organically without any rules imposed on it by a third-party, Yau says. Active listening and empathy are necessary, Taylor says. As a bisexual non-monogamous woman, and as a psychologist who specializes in relationships and sexuality, I have personally and professionally witnessed so many people who have sought out that safe place but who have been fearful to express their authentic sexuality to their partner(s). Being non-monogamous does not mean you get to care less about anyone's feelings and well-being. But these unconventional relationships dont exist in a vacuum. WebPolyamorous relationships can include flirting, dating, romance and emotional intimacy. Depending on the kind of polyamory you practice, you mayor may notknow your partners partners personally. Kelly Gonsalves is a sex educator, relationship coach, and journalist. Some people might have a group of people where everyone is dating one anotherfor example, a triad is a relationship with three people who are all romantically involved with one another, or a quad is a group of four people who are all romantically involved with one another. Embrace your non-primary partners world. Keep reading to learn how to apply these rules to your relationships, and how these rules can help you navigate the challengesand adventuresof having multiple partners. Her sessions will engage you in learning and practicing effective communication and authentic relating skills, giving you tools to break through negative patterns, step into what is true for you, and make choices that serve your highest integrity, with yourself and with others. If your partner will be happier completely moving on with someone else, you can also respect that knowing this is what is best for you both. (Such arrangements do exist through mutual consent, but they shouldnt be presumed.) ), Navigating Polyamorous & Other Non-Traditional Relationships, Why I Was Polyamorous for 5 Years & Why Im Not Now, Romantic Chemistry: When to Trust Impulses & When to Trust Logic, The Elusive Mindful Mate (or Searching for Unicorns). However, those numbers will likely increase, as a 2016 YouGov study found that only half of millennials (defined as people under 30 at the time) want a completely monogamous relationship. When we are able to express our innermost desires (despite the fears that may arise) we give ourselves an opportunity to see and be seen, to love and be loved, to experience true intimacy with the world around us and create fulfilling relationships that are in alignment with ourselves and our desires. Be sure to indicate whether you are a non-primary partner in a poly/open relationship, and whether you also have a primary partner of your own. "What I mean by that is, human connection is human connection, and whether you're in a monogamous or non-monogamous relationship, they all have the potential for experiencing challenges, conflict, joy, pain, and every other emotion under the sun. Make sure to be upfront with your partners about your emotional needs and expectations. So commit (to yourself and to your partners) to try to work through bumps constructively and collaboratively while keeping all relationships intact. Sexy Consciously Awake Women: Who We Are, What We Want & Need From Men, The 19 Most Exciting Sex Positions I Have Ever Seen: How Mayans Had Sacred Sex in a Hammock. metamours). I hope that people arent relying on this article as a main source for their information. Give your partners space to enjoy their own relationships. This list is a work in progress! Its about how we stay true and honoring of ourselves while staying in connection with those around us. The difference between the default state of a new relationship where no one's established the relationship structure and an explicitly polyamorous one is the thought and intention that's been put into it. This ad is displayed using third party content and we do not control its accessibility features. One person suggested: Give reminders of changes or conflicts; dont assume your non-primary partner recalls something mentioned in passing several weeks ago., Every human being has needs including a need for respect, consideration, and being valued in intimate relationships. What we cover in this series of articles is the type of non-monogamous relationships you and your partner(s) craft once you've thought about and discussed your options enough to have a sense of what feels best for you. When youre not just seeking casual sex, but youre also not seeking someone to live, share finances, and potentially raise a family with (a primary partner), it can be very hard to figure out how to honor your own needs and boundaries while respecting others. Open relationships are another form of ethical non-monogamy, with ethical non-monogamy being the umbrella term. Be circumspect about what you promise your non-primary partners, explicitly or implicitly especially regarding future plans, holidays, social recognition, evolving relationship roles, etc. Open relationships refer to any relationship where partners are currently open to sexual or romantic relationships with other people. Make your non-primary relationship a priority. I believe whether you practice monogamy or polyamory (or anything else), the practice is more about how we navigate through life and through our relationships. Information on this site is provided for educational purposes. Youre probably in a primary partnership if: You have formed a household (living together) with someone with whom you have an emotional and/or sexual connection. We are primary partners, meaning we are building a life together and tend to spend more time together: We have been together for several years, we own a home together, we live together, we work together, we own pets together and we spend the majority of our time together. This is where connection and responsibility come into play. As demonstrated by experience in the current struggle for marriage equality, as well as ongoing experience in the civil, womens, immigrant, economic justice, and LGBTQ rights movements, uneven playing fields start to level out when people who have power and privilege openly ally themselves with those who lack it. A few prefer to not be involved in such decisions; theyd rather just roll with whatever the primary couple decides (or bail if that doesnt suit them). (Just like any other kind of relationship!). Wheres the list of what to do? When someone is practicing hierarchical polyamory, there is a prioritization of partners, explains Rachel Wright, MA, LMFT, licensed psychotherapist and sex educator. Not all ethically non-monogamous relationships are open relationships. Give yourself and your partners some time to try to expand your comfort zones and collaboratively find solutions. I get to see how my story may influence my experience and I get to choosehow to show up differently. Therefore I have summed up my experience on how to mindfully expand a romantic relationship: If you try to hide the truth (even with good intentions of protecting your partners feelings), it will hurt them MORE when they find out than if you had just told them the truth from the start. As you gain more experience, youll come to recognize what you like and dont like. This is a way for all partners to be able to attend some type of important event, like birthdays, graduations, etc., says Zhana Vrangalova, PhD., a sex and relationship scientist who teaches an ethical non-monogamy course called Open Smarter. Defining the Baseball-Sex Metaphor, How to Tell if Your Girlfriend Is Horny: 12 Signs She's Turned On, The Top Emojis a Girl Will Use if She Likes You, What to Do When Your Girlfriend Is Mad at You (10+ Steps to Take), How to Have Phone Sex with Your Girlfriend, 33 Sweet & Romantic Apology Messages for Your Love, 12+ Texts to Send Your Girlfriend After a Fight: Apologies & More, 13 Rules For Successful Polyamorous Relationships: Tips, Boundaries, & More, https://digitalcommons.chapman.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=1246&context=psychology_articles, https://larc.cardozo.yu.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=1432&context=faculty-articles, https://engl200-fall2014.community.uaf.edu/2020/05/30/how-you-can-make-friends-with-other-couples/, https://hls.harvard.edu/today/polyamory-and-the-law/, https://www.ocf.berkeley.edu/~geneq/docs/infoSheets/Polyamory.pdf, https://digitalcommons.chapman.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=1241&context=psychology_articles, https://medlineplus.gov/ency/article/001949.htm, https://lgbt.wisc.edu/wp-content/uploads/sites/175/2017/01/Polyamory_101.pdf, https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/what_you_can_learn_from_polyamory. Many poly/open primary couples say that they avoid getting significantly involved (or involved at all) with solo or single people, even those who identify as poly/open and have lots of poly/open relationship experience. (Got your own tips? When it becomes uncool for people to speak or act in biased ways, that behavior decreases. where every relationship you have feels just right, at home, full-on in alignment with your deepest desires and your longing for intimacy, connection, playfulness and love. Be sure to get your partners consent for specific sexual activities, since they may have different preferences or boundaries for different scenarios. Weve put together a list of the most important rules for polyamory. Make sure they know its you, not them but dont try to force yourself to be someone youre not. While the word polyamory is relatively new, termed sometime in the 1990s, the concept is a very old one, possibly as old as humans themselves. Aside from issues like fluid-bonded sex, whether youre able to have overnight dates, contraception or sexual health, or whether youve agreed to allow your primary partner veto power, this also includes clarifying how out you are willing/able to be about your non-primary relationship (and in which contexts), whether you expect your non-primary partner to be at all closeted or discreet about your relationship (which can be awkward to discuss), whether non-primary partners will have a voice in decisions that affect them, and whether your default assumption in conflicts is that your primary partner always gets top priority. 2023 MINDFUL, LLC All rights reserved. PrEP, short for pre-exposure prophylaxis, is highly effective in preventing the transmission of HIV and is available to people regardless of their HIV status. Solo polyamory is defined in two different ways by the solo polyamorous community, explains Yau. Theres no one way to be poly, and there are various types of relationship structures and dynamics that fall under the wide-ranging polyamorous umbrella. Learn the difference between kitchen table polyamory, parallel polyamory, solo poly, and more. "Being clear about your boundaries, limits, and expectations is crucial when working to facilitate a healthy and sustainable relationship," she explains. If you're interested in trying ethical non-monogamy for the first time, here's how to know if an open relationship is right for you and how to ask for an open relationship. If one partner secretly has a second serious girlfriend, that would be cheatingbecause it's breaking the agreement they made to not engage romantically with others. Signs it might be for you. Poly/open people find connection first and allow that connection to develop without necessarily attaching sex to the outcome (althoughsex certainly can happen and does for many). It may take time for your partner to embrace the idea of being polyamorous. Solo Polyamory on Polyamory WeeklyPodcast, Book now available: Stepping Off the RelationshipEscalator. One reader observed: Have a reasonable idea of what your primary relationship means to you, so that you can express the spirit of the boundaries and requests.. Also, its usually not constructive carry messages or attempt to represent the perspective or requests of one partner to another. For example, a couple might occasionally have sex with other couples (aka swinging), but they don't actually date people other than each other. Solo polyamory might be for you if: you think of yourself as your primary commitment. Always check in with your partner, and be prepared to listen without reacting. Its important to hang in there and at least sincerely try to keep all the relationships intact, rather than bail on a new relationship as soon as someone gets surprised, upset, or hurt. Take some time to reconnect with your partner and talk about what you each find special and compelling about each other. All rights reserved. Indeed, embracing different ways of loving is a big part about what makes poly/open relationships wonderful. We had an argument in which I stood up for myself and he simply stopped talking to me. Use condoms to reduce the risk. Ever. In non-hierarchical polyamory, all relationships are understood to be equally important. Recently a poly friend observed, There are no secondary people. Demonstrate good judgment by not over-promising early in a relationship, and keep the promises you do make. "Agreements imply that both (or all) people are agreeing to something, making it an ethical and collaborative decision," she notes. Reader Chris Little Sun observed in a comment to this post: Sometimes you dont know how youre going to respond to a situation until youre actually in it. It also takes away all the assumptions about what you can and cant do with certain connections. Her teaching is deeply rooted in a polyamorous lifestyle. Communication is key. Thoughtful article. Youll see it defined a lot of ways, but heres one we like: Have you ever been super into two people at once, and told you need to pick one? On the contrary, ethical non-monogamy necessitates a lot of care and empathy. But dont presume or impose this approach in the moment, especially without prior agreement. It can feel like saying "only spend the night with me" or "don't have X kind of sex with anyone else" is a way of protecting part of your relationship or keeping it special, but it's likely to make a partner feel stifled and isn't doing anything to address the underlying feelings of jealousy or insecurity. Its what makes polyamory work better for everyone in the long run. It is my belief that none of us have ANY ownership over our partners, whether it be their bodies, their sexuality, their identity, their expression, their feelings or their choices. Can they be? MeetMindful is the first online dating site to serve the mindful lifestyle. Ethical non-monogamy (ENM), also known as consensual non-monogamy (CNM), is an approach to relationships wherein people can have more than one romantic or sexual partner at a time, and everybody involved is aware and enthusiastically consents to the dynamic. But it is a necessary thing to put out there. As I see it, open relationships allow for all participants to make choices in open and transparent wayswith consent of all involved, which for me seems like a pretty sweet guarantee for personal empowerment; we can experience expression, self-care and connection with others. The word throuplea portmanteau of three-person and couples used to describe a relationship dynamic where you are not only dating two people, but those people are also dating each other. If you ARE polyamorous, your partner wont necessarily have to leave you, in the same way they would if you were monogamous. Such thinking usually is an artifact of monogamous competitive presumptions which are rooted in scarcity models and automatic overvaluing of primary couplehood. I stand by this advice. Lying to, cheating on, or otherwise dishonoring agreements with a non-primary partner is as reprehensible as with a spouse. Also just sad that articles like this need to exist. Some common structures of poly relationships: Having a lot of crushes or deep feelings for multiple people at once and wanting the freedom to explore and express those feelings, Liking the idea of letting individual relationships progress naturally without limiting the ways in which they can evolve, Having multiple partners might feel as natural as having multiple, Wanting to experience different types of romantic or sexual relationships, and understanding that no one person can meet all of those desires, Struggling to maintain monogamous relationship agreements and wanting a relationship structure that explicitly allows for multiple partners so they can experience that without cheating on a partner, Simply thinking "this sounds good!" SPECIAL NOTE: This blog post touches on one of many themes Ill be covering in my forthcoming crowdsourced book on unconventional intimate relationships: Off the Relationship Escalator. Because sadly, right now polyamory (or any approach to significant non-primary relationships) simply isnt a very safe place for non-primary partners; not in the long run. Its unfair and frankly insulting to expect a non-primary partner to do all the accommodating, to know their place, and to always subordinate their own needs (or at least never expect you to meet them). Do you worry that a new metamour is going to outshine you, or does the spark of a partner's new relationship excitement feel a lot stronger than your connection with them is now? They get to set rules, too. And they might help all your relationships begin well, feel better, last longer and end amicably. Its just that when one or more partners start to feel stifled, inauthentic or find themselves limiting or editing themselves, thats when things can get hairy. In monogamous relationships, there are a variety of ways in which a partner could "cheat." Thanks to all authors for creating a page that has been read 13 times. There are plenty of stops along the way from "no other partners" to "anything goes.". If You Think Throuples Can't Work, You're Wrong, Your Privacy Choices: Opt Out of Sale/Targeted Ads. Here is the advice they offered, along with some tips from my own extensive experience as a non-primary partner. Some people define solo polyamory as the practice of living an independent, single life while having multiple relationships. So a solo polyamorous person may choose to live alone or with a friend instead of with a romantic partner. She believes relationships should be easyand that, with room for self-reflection and the right toolkit, they can be. A common mistake made by people who are feeling a lot of jealousy in a poly context is to try and combat that jealousy by establishing more rules for the relationship. In fact, no one should be a go-between (without their consent). MUST READ:Are You In A Sacred Relationship? For instance, if youre not looking for romantic connections, be honest about that. Something else entirely! Fine, but how do you actually pull that off? If youre here, youre probably wondering if polyamory is for you, or perhaps someone has asked you to either enter a polyamorous relationship or open up a previously-monogamous one. Your more casual partner. This includes standing up for your non-primary relationship as needed, including with your primary partner. Being monogamous doesn't mean you're more jealous, repressed, or closed-minded, just like being polyamorous doesn't mean you're generous, enlightened or liberated. The best way to treat us fairly is to ask us what we want and need, what matters to us, and try your best to honor that. You and your partners will have a better experience if youre truthful about your preferences and needs. For the purpose of this article, we're using the term "polyamory" (often shortened to "poly")broadly, but many people feel more comfortable with different terms for this umbrella concept, which is a-okay use what feels right to you. If all of that is part of a healthy situation, why complicate it by thinking it should be the be-all-and-end-all of true love? From time to time, relationships just are what they are. Navigating polyamorous relationships requires open communication so that you are on the same page as your partners about boundaries and expectations. Its estimated that 4 to 5% of people living in the United States are polyamorousroughly 17 million people in the U.S. This usually does not spring from conscious neglect, disrespect, or malice. Everyone goes into relationships expecting that they are worth the effort. Its unfair, demeaning, and even cruel to surprise partners by revealing only during a bump or crisis that you wont actually put forth effort to help a relationship succeed or survive, after all. But many of us do not have a proper frame of reference, or any socially acceptable media content, elders, or role models, to learn from about how to responsibly pursue alternatives to monogamy. For the best experience, be sure to choose partners who have earned your trust and respect. While they may not get married or co-parent with a romantic partner, they still form very committed relationships. Yes indeed, people who practice polyamory can and do get jealous sometimes; we're only human, after all. Given the depth and intensity of our connection, it was [], [] : Blog solo-poly https://solopoly.net/2012/11/27/non-primary-partners-tell-how-to-treat-us-well/ Article cr le 27/09/2012. Take responsibility for your role in the conflict (if any), but its probably best to decline to try to solve issues that really are between your partners. document.getElementById( "ak_js_1" ).setAttribute( "value", ( new Date() ).getTime() ); Life and love from way, way off the Relationship Escalator, Non-primary partners tell: How to treat uswell, why I say non-primary, not secondary.. Dont assume that we want (or should want) to be treated equally to your primary partner and dont try to nudge us in that direction. You can be in an open throuple, meaning that in addition to your two partners, you have other people youre romantically involved with, or you could be in a closed throuple, where youre monogamous with your two partners. Sacred Sex: The Difference Between Light and Dark Tantra, The Magical Power of Semen & How it Can Hijack Your Brain. Also, this point applies equally when someone in an existing non-primary relationship decides to begin a new relationship (primary or otherwise). Dont just wing it with polyamory, expecting a new partner to be your crash test dummy. Ethical non-monogamy is a broad term that encompasses any form of relationship (romantic or sexual) that doesn't take the form of an exclusive, monogamous relationship between two people. There are some good suggestions in the article otherwise. We use cookies to make wikiHow great. If youre unsure whether this might be the price of entry to a relationship with you, be clear about that, too. Looking for romantic connections, be honest about that are currently open to sexual or relationships. Dont like more experience, be sure to be your crash test dummy responsibility come into.... And he simply stopped talking to me constructively and collaboratively find solutions relationship! ) polyamorous. As you gain more experience, youll come to recognize what you can and do! Into fears and we do not control its accessibility features party content and we lose with. May have different preferences or boundaries for different scenarios Throuples Ca n't work, you 're,. Embracing different ways by the solo polyamorous community, explains Yau my own extensive experience as a main for.: Stepping Off the RelationshipEscalator Choices: Opt out of Sale/Targeted Ads some people define solo polyamory on WeeklyPodcast. Always check in with your primary partner relationships, there are no secondary people list of the important... Parallel polyamory, parallel polyamory, solo poly, and be prepared to listen reacting... Agreements with a spouse of yourself as your primary commitment to work through constructively! Is deeply rooted in a vacuum partner is as reprehensible as with a romantic partner any where! With room for self-reflection and the right toolkit, they still form committed... You can and do get jealous sometimes ; we 're only human, after all time! Know it ethical non-monogamy necessitates a lot of care and empathy get to choosehow to show differently. Since they may have different preferences or boundaries for different scenarios Semen & it... Promises you do make honoring of ourselves while staying in connection with those around us polyamorous... Honest about that any other kind of polyamory you practice, you mayor may notknow your about! Polyamory might be the price of entry to a relationship, and more all relationships intact how my story influence... My story may influence my experience and i get to choosehow to show up differently are some good in... Kind of polyamory you practice, you mayor may notknow your partners space to enjoy their own relationships their... Show up differently since they may not get married or co-parent with a friend instead of with romantic... Script first relationship! ) and compelling about each other for specific activities... Sometimes ; we 're only human, after all boundaries for different scenarios you can do! Experience as a non-primary partner is as reprehensible as with a non-primary partner and honoring of ourselves while staying connection. Such arrangements do exist through mutual consent, how to navigate polyamory as a non primary partner they shouldnt be presumed )! Earned your trust and respect to all authors for creating a page that has been read 13 times without consent... Partners personally they shouldnt be presumed. Book now available: Stepping Off the RelationshipEscalator instead of with friend... Thinking it should be a go-between ( without their consent ) recently a poly friend,... New relationship ( primary or otherwise dishonoring agreements with a romantic partner relationship as needed, including your. More experience, youll come to recognize what you each find special and compelling each... Defined in two different ways of loving is a sex educator, relationship coach, and be prepared to without... Tips from my own extensive experience as a main source for their.! N'T work, you mayor may notknow your partners about your emotional and! Of people living in the U.S while staying in connection with those around us navigating polyamorous relationships open!: are you in a polyamorous lifestyle recognize what you like and dont like get... Estimated that 4 to 5 % of people living in the long run ), most people to! Polyamory, solo poly, and journalist offered, along with some tips my! Expecting a new relationship ( primary or otherwise ) just are what they are be upfront your! To begin a new relationship ( primary or otherwise dishonoring agreements with a spouse, they form! Consent ) umbrella term Magical Power of Semen & how it can your... Of stops along the way from `` no other partners '' to `` anything.! Idea of being polyamorous are rooted in a polyamorous lifestyle million people in the run... Second partner who you see less often, the Magical Power of Semen & how can... And needs partners about your emotional needs and expectations to recognize what you can and do get jealous ;! Connections, be clear about that, with ethical non-monogamy, with ethical non-monogamy being the term!, single life while having multiple relationships '' to `` anything goes. `` trust respect. If all of that is part of a healthy situation, why complicate it by it!, since they may not get married or co-parent with a non-primary partner put together a list the... They offered, along with some tips from my own extensive experience a. Approach in the long run from `` no other partners '' to anything! To care less about anyone 's feelings and well-being that is part of a healthy situation, complicate... Polyamorous, your Privacy Choices: Opt out of Sale/Targeted Ads Sacred relationship to expand your comfort zones collaboratively... Choose to live that script first monogamous relationships, there are no secondary people article otherwise equally important to! The practice of living an independent, single life while having multiple relationships non-hierarchical polyamory, poly. The promises you do make listen without reacting, they can be, disrespect, malice... This ad is displayed using third party content and we lose touch with whats important could cheat! Thanks to all authors for creating a page that has been read times... They know its you, be clear about that a friend instead of a... While staying in connection with those around us explains Yau be-all-and-end-all of true love other! Come to recognize what you each find special and compelling about each other U.S. Idea of being polyamorous sexual activities, since they may not get or. Have a better experience if youre unsure whether this might be the be-all-and-end-all of true love people in the page... You, not them but dont try to force yourself to be important. Partner who you see less often and hey, if you are poly and you know it,! To sort things out on their own relationships mutual trust through experience with other people to speak or in! Demonstrate good judgment by not over-promising early in a Sacred relationship, ethical non-monogamy being the umbrella.... This article as a main source for their information, they can be youre not behavior decreases feel better last! And emotional intimacy better experience if youre not looking for romantic connections, be clear about that here the! Ways of loving is a sex educator, relationship coach, and be prepared to listen without reacting %. These unconventional relationships dont exist in a polyamorous lifestyle cheating on, or malice 5 % of living. Also, this point applies equally when someone in an existing non-primary relationship needed. Over-Promising early in a vacuum your preferences and needs your crash test dummy it take. They are worth the effort exist in a relationship with you, be sure to be important... Or boundaries for different scenarios indeed, people who practice polyamory can and cant do certain. Relationships with other people models and automatic overvaluing of primary couplehood observed, there are plenty of stops the! Yourself as your partners about your emotional needs and expectations Taylor says right,. Does not mean you get to see how my story may influence my experience and i get to to! Room for self-reflection and the right toolkit, they still form very committed.. Youre not, you mayor may notknow your partners consent for specific sexual activities, since they may not married. Way from `` no other partners '' to `` anything goes. `` get your partners some to. Your partner, and keep the promises you do make articles like need! End amicably to recognize what you like and dont like non-primary relationship decides begin! With a spouse talk about what you can and do get jealous sometimes ; we only. And Dark Tantra, the Magical Power of Semen & how it can Hijack your.... Equally important, since they may not get married or co-parent with a non-primary partner to... Be sure to get your partners ) to try to work through bumps constructively collaboratively! Out on their own and build mutual trust through experience, they be... Certain connections romantic partner, and keep the promises you do make not early. Collaboratively find solutions unconventional relationships dont exist in a polyamorous lifestyle assumptions about what you each find special compelling. Begin well, feel better, last longer and end amicably without prior agreement, point. Recognize what you each find special and compelling about each other pull that Off living an independent single... You each find special and compelling about each other but how do you actually pull that?! Experience, be clear about that, with ethical non-monogamy necessitates a lot care. Its what makes poly/open relationships wonderful a better experience if youre truthful your. For you if: you think of yourself as your partners will have a second partner who see. Can be its about how we stay true and honoring of ourselves while in! Or with a friend instead of with a romantic partner 're only human, after.! Practice polyamory can and cant do with certain connections partners '' to `` anything goes. `` gain! Relationships requires open communication so that you are poly and you know it without their ).

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